Breaking Down The Walls: 6 Signs Your SO Is Emotionally Unavailable

This should be an incredible compliment to those who strive to be as genuine and trustworthy as possible. When we let you in, you’ll find the relationship to become much more smooth, and for us to be much more open with our feelings. Once this happens, be prepared for a long-lasting relationship full of love and trust. I’ve learned these truths about myself by flipping over one tiny puzzle piece at a time.

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Most people carry these escape havens into intimate relationships in their adult lives, whether they realize it or not. They are unconscious default responses that are ever ready to avoid the pain of potentially re-emerging past traumas. Are there people in your life such as friends or family members whom you really trust? If these people have shown you time and again that they love you unconditionally and have your best interests at heart, you can practice lowering your walls with them. Being a response writer is really interesting because you get to read other people’s takes or views and then respond with something that you make your own.

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Most serve both purposes, and that goes for the walls we put up to protect ourselves as well. Eventually, those sudden eruptions and the personality changes that often accompany them will emerge independently. These sudden eruptions seem to come out of nowhere and often leave the other partner surprised, wounded, confused, or defensive. Often, they have been smoldering for some time without evidence they are brewing. Couples counseling is an excellent place to start this process and to learn how to build your new muscle to express emotion.

Trying to do so yourself might be immensely frustrating. Furthermore, that frustration may cause the walls to get even higher, rather than lowering. Still, armed with adequate coping skills and a solid mental and emotional mindset, you can climb those walls to get to the healthy side of the street. That means you have to shake it off and refocus your energy. Someone somewhere is telling you it’s time to change things up, start a new journey, and perhaps a better one.

As such, your friends, and even your partner, have never even heard about your family, let alone met them, and you keep all aspects of your life partitioned. You may have difficulty feeling things (or identifying the feelings you’re experiencing). For example, if you’re having an intense discussion with someone, they might yell at you to look at them when they’re talking to you because you’re looking at your phone or the floor instead. Similarly, you may only have sex with your partner in the dark or in positions where you can avoid their direct gaze. As a result, those you would want to actually be close to may not want anything to do with you. They feel that you don’t love them and assume you don’t care because you don’t (can’t) show them love in the manner they’d prefer.

But when your partner asks you, try to be a little more honest. If you’re feeling low, even if you can’t quite put your finger on why, share that with them. If you’ve had this problem in previous relationships or are currently experiencing it, you’re no doubt aware that showing emotional vulnerability is important in romantic relationships. A lot of people struggle with vulnerability because, in their mind, it’s the same thing as weakness.

But if you constantly show your mate you can be trusted, and your intentions are genuine, they will slowly but surely open their hearts to you. Since it’s incredibly hard for us to trust anyone, we don’t dive into relationships head first. In fact, we’re often scared when we find ourselves liking somebody enough to possibly begin a relationship with them. Unfortunately, having been hurt in the past has led us to be untrusting of ourselves, and we will always second guess ourselves when start to be attracted to a certain someone.

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Ideally, you’ll steer clear of the individual or individuals and circumstances that initially caused you to build these walls. That shouldn’t send you into a “fight-or-flight” reaction. Instead, a simple response (like, “maybe it just wasn’t your thing”) that won’t further draw out the conversation will move things along until you’re ready for more. If you’re having difficulty allowing yourself to be comfortable in vulnerable situations, you’ll need to look at possible reasons for your nervousness.

“They can’t show up for you in the way in which you want a potential partner to show up,” she says. As human beings we differ in the ways we respond to situations or people. Those of us that put up emotional walls face the same struggles in our relationships with people. So, it’s really not all that surprising that we like to stick by ourselves or with a small trusted group of friends. Emotional walls also act as a barrier between you and other people. They prevent the equal exchange of emotions and stop you from being vulnerable with others.

As a result, the walls are both protecting and walling in a person who no longer exists. One of the best ways to lower your walls is by letting that happen naturally. When you’re involved in activities that you enjoy, you’ll likely lower your guard subconsciously, simply by virtue of loving what you’re doing. When you’re in the process of undoing damage that took years to build up, you can expect the occasional backslide.